Why Preparing for Baby Isn’t the Same as Preparing for Motherhood
Recently I was chatting with a colleague who had mentioned they’d just found out a friend of theirs is pregnant.
As we talked, they wanted to know how to support their friend. I said knowing what I know now as a Mum of 18 month old twins I would focus more on preparing for my journey of becoming a motherhood.
Looking back I put a lot of energy into being ready for my twins. Newborn checklists. Pregnancy yoga. Setting up the nursery. Collecting colostrum.
What did I do to prepare me for becoming a mother? Read a couple of books and cooked a few meals.
My overall attitude was I’ll figure it out when I get there. Little did I know, I would have ZERO capacity for figuring things out once I was dealing with two newborns.
A big part of why I didn’t do more to prepare myself for the single biggest transformation of my life, on both physical and emotional levels, is I didn’t know what was coming. It’s really hard to prepare for becoming a Mum when you’ve never experienced it before.
So these are some of the things I talked to my college about that I would do to prepare to become a mum now I know what I’m in for.
What Most “Prepare for Motherhood” Advice Gets Wrong
Before we jump into what to do, when I had a Google on the subject of preparing to become a Mum I noticed two things:
- A lot of the articles focused on preparing for the baby which completely misses the point. It’s sad that when a pregnant woman tries to find information to prepare herself for this huge transition, she gets fed information on the baby, reinforcing the message that baby comes first.
A mum doesn’t need to be told to put the baby first, she’ll do that naturally. She needs to be told to put herself first.
- Other articles focused on pouring time into yourself before baby arrived. Read the book you want, spend quality time with your partner. Which all sounds nice (and is a good thing to do) but it doesn’t actually prepare you in any way. It’s essentially saying make the most of your pre baby life while you can and then buckle up! And if you’re like me, I was so tired in my third trimester carrying twins that all I was good for was resting.
That lack of valuable, Mum focused guidance contributes to Mums (and all parents) going into parenthood underprepared. It speaks to a wider societal undervaluation of Mums in general. if you want me to write more on that, email me!
How to Prepare for Becoming a Mum: 4 Things I’d Do Differently
1. Join a Group Chat or Antenatal Group for Social Support
If I could only change one thing from what I did do to prepare to become a Mum it would be get in a group chat.
I didn’t do an antenatal course where I bonded with other Mums (and Dads) that were also expecting.
And in the middle of the night, when I was losing my mind, I didn’t have a space to reach out and find out what I was experiencing was super common.
I put the social and emotional support of a group chat first because I think it’s the part of postpartum prep that is most overlooked in favour of meal prep and house cleaning.
Having a safe space to vent, rant and celebrate the tiny wins that seem insignificant to anyone other than a fellow Mum is imperative.
This is the entire reason I created the Mum Lifeline. It’s an instantly accessible safe space to share in the depths of motherhood. It doesn’t require finding your tribe or the energy for social niceties when you have nothing left to give. So if you’re missing the social support, check it out!
2. Invest in Postpartum Food and Nourishment
I wish I’d paid for the food delivery I’d wanted but decided was too expensive/ I wasn’t worth that/it wasn’t necessary. It was the service that best aligned with my values and how I wanted to be eating when I was freshly postpartum.
I did some food prep when I was pregnant but the reality is I struggled with energy through my whole pregnancy and was constantly exhausted in my final weeks.
I wished I’d validated myself being too tired to do much to prepare. Instead of making do with the small amount of food prep I did do, ordered the food delivery tailored to nourishing postpartum. It would have been so lovely to be taken care of in that way in those early weeks.
The big lesson here is that your recovery post birth is absolutely worth investing in. Your needs and wants still matter. Being well nourished to breastfeed, recover, deal with the broken sleep is essential.
3. Learn About Postpartum Mental Health Support Before You Need It
I wish I’d understood better what mental health services were available to me and been more open to asking about them.
I didn’t see myself as someone that needed ‘that kind of support’. I’m strong, capable, can figure it out on my own. Surely there are other Mums that need the support more than I do. That was my mindset.
It’s only recently that it’s clicked for me that the community outreach nurse (Plunket here in New Zealand) was visiting for me as well as my babies. If I hadn’t been so keen to show her that I was doing a good job as a Mum, I might have been more honest about my own experiences.
If I’d become more aware of the perinatal mental health support services available to me before I had my babies, then I would have more easily recognised that I could benefit from them.
This can go for more than mental health services. Being aware of other services, like the food delivery mentioned above, gives you a toolbox of support you can engage once baby is here.
4. Talk to Your Partner About Managing Low Energy and Fluctuating Capacity
When I was pregnant, my partner and I took the view that we’d figure it out when it happened. That there was no point in planning or worrying, we’d just cross the bridge when we got to it so to speak.
Which works fine as an approach in real life but turned out to leave us high and dry once the twins arrived.
If I could do things differently, I would talk to him about how we’re going to manage our fluctuating capacities. How do we communicate that we’ve got nothing to give? What’s the gameplan when we’re both running on empty?
I would get some strategies in place as a starting point. Something that can be refined and improved as you go. Because if you wait until after the baby arrives, chances are neither of you are going to have the bandwidth to set something up.
So it’s not about coming up with the perfect plan before baby arrives. It about having a starting point to work from.
READ MORE: New Mum Self-Care Postpartum Tips: Wisdom From Our Midwife
Why Becoming a Mum for the First Time Is Unique
Becoming a Mum for the first time is extraordinary. Life defining. This rite of passage only happens once.
If you go on to have more children, you’re already a Mum, you already know what to expect (even though each baby is different). You have a lot more confidence in your abilities as a Mum. You trust that each hard season will pass because you’ve seen it all pass before.
So the first time becoming a Mum is unique. You don’t really know what you’re in for so don’t know how to prepare for it.
And then it hits you like a tidal wave.
I wanted to give you insight into what to expect and how to prepare so becoming a Mum can be more magic and less manic.
I’d love to know, if you’re already a Mum what would you add to this list? And for those soon to be Mums, what are you going to do on this list?